Archive for the "Future News" Category

Banking on Children

Playground sign where the see-saw is broken.

Humans, the key to solving your financial crisis is for you to increase your debt. It’s obvious that if you borrow far enough into the future—say your grandchildren’s children—you’ll avoid ever having to pay the debt back. Such a great influx of money to stimulate your economy with new car purchases, and over consumption, would assure destruction of the earth long before your mythical future offspring could ever be born to their miserable ancestral debt.

But, consider that even if the poor bastards beat the odds and end up being born to eke out some sort of existence on the smoldering dirt you’ve left them—the chances are low that debt, as a concept, will matter at all anymore. No banker is going to attempt to repossess from a man gnawing on the roasted leg of a slightly under-seasoned CEO.

 

Sir Johnny Rotten?

Sir John Lydon!

Newest Member of the British Empire

John (Johnny Rotten) Lydon Will Become a Knight

Once Rotten, Lydon in the seventies was hated by Britain — working class, straight through to the upper — save a few of the under twenties, drunks, and the completely lost. Now he’s going to be knighted by the very monarchy he once scorned.

The ceremony, to take place this summer, is likely to be a media circus as Lydon’s old band The Sex Pistols will reunite for a command performance. Lydon assures the press that the band will not play God Save the Queen, inarguably their most famous hit, because of the negative connotations some [in the UK] feel it has against the monarch system as a way of empowering the fortunes of single blood-lines.

“I never meant it like that,” Lydon once explained in an interview with The Daily Mirror. “The Queen is anointed by God’s representative. When I said ‘She ain’t no human being,’ I meant that she is otherworldly — God-like, in a certain respect.”

For the event, the band will play two songs off their infamous Never Mind the Bullocks — originally a vinyl recording — album; Pretty Vacant, and the album opener, Holiday in the Sun. In addition, Lydon and the band will play the title track from his upcoming solo release Hot’l California, which is a tribute album to The Eagles.

Commenting on the upcoming honor for his old band mate, guitarist Steve Jones said: “He was never really rotten, he’s a nice bloke and deserves this honor. We were making music, for goodness sake — good music, as it turns out. Although we never knew it at the time.”

Attempts were made to contact former touring-member of the band, Sid Vicious, as well as the band’s eccentric manager, Malcolm McLaren. Neither was available for comment.

 

100% Employment is Possible!

Green sign with prisoner holding shovel "Opportunity Ahead"

While America struggles to find an answer to massive unemployment, the solution may already be available within its borders. Employment is on the rise in prisons across the United States, and American produced goods are now not only more available in the US, but are making their way overseas to countries that don’t have a ban against the use of prisoner labor. America has one fourth of the world’s prison population, more—much more in most cases—than any other nation, giving it the best possible position as the world leader in a prison based economic system. Even China, a country always thought to have a great number of prisoners (many political) has half a million fewer in jail despite a population of four and a half times the USA. It means that America already is in a position to provide the world with the majority of cheap labor, and an increase in numbers looks very promising.

The use of prison labor is very beneficial for companies that want to do business in the US. Citizens of America, through their taxes, cover the costs for worker housing, food, and healthcare. This cuts the financial burden for business down to only paying wages, and those at a true fraction of minimum wage. The manufactured goods can be marked, “Made in America,” which gives patriotic appeal, and still be very price competitive with countries that do and certainly those that don’t keep their workers in prisons. By shifting the burden of living expenses onto taxpayers without including those taxpayers in the profits, business can expect a great boost to the bottom line and, in turn, increased stock values. It is a win situation.

But if it’s good for business, it may be as good for those who are incarcerated. Most people enter the prison system without the security of consistent shelter, food, or healthcare. In prison, all needs are taken care of by the state. It’s something no one who hasn’t been convicted of a crime can even hope for in America—socialized medicine. If that weren’t enough, the prison workweek is about 45 hours and there is no commute. By contrast, Americans who have a job often contribute 60 or more hours a week; some for good pay and benefits, others just to pay rent, utilities, and for a little fun money to buy food. Add to those prison laborer financial benefits, the fact that there is small chance that a prison will file Chapter 11, or little risk of having their fringe benefits cut, and it’s clear to see what’s in this for them. So it is, in fact, a win-win situation.

Considering the benefits, the obvious objective for America needs to be focused on shifting from a union-based, work for hire economic system, to a prison-based one. It needs to extend beyond telemarketing and light manufacturing into full-blown production. Only in this way will American companies be able to compete globally, maintain profit goals, and continue to pay bonuses sufficient enough to lure the right people into employment to run things on the outside.

How should these prison jobs be doled out to the population? Well, not everyone could be incarcerated right away; it will take time for the old economy to completely crumble. At first, job seekers will need to continue to apply by holding up a bank or other such place. Alternatively, they can obtain and carry with them a sufficient enough quantity of any one of several controlled substances. (What, and how much is sufficient, will vary by state: check local laws.) Even acts of raw vandalism may be good enough to show a person is a serious candidate. And, third-time rehires in most states are eligible for tenure. Those who apply but aren’t contacted by law enforcement for a follow-up interview will have a few extra dollars income from their attempt, and they can always try again once the money runs out.

Obviously, priority for prison applications will continue to be given first to the poor and undereducated (both of which are in themselves a growth industry in the US), but it is essential to bring the middle class in as quickly as possible after that. Frankly, they just can’t handle it on the outside for much longer.

 

Final Days of Humans

 International symbol for dead-end street

Dateline: January 18, 2018ish

FOX News, the network associated with protecting the rights of ignorance, announced today that it would cease broadcasting “news” at the end of this week. A one-time gold mine for an independent foreign interest, FOX, in recent years, had been reduced to pandering for the gold, and then simply to pitching for pennies. The realities of global warming have had an ironic effect on [its] conservative arguments against the reality of global warming. Conservative voices have been forced to dry up because of the need to conserve saliva on the scorched planet earth. People these days, unable to feel their own tongues, have experienced a greatly reduced interest in the exercise of mock debate.

Standing in front of FOX World Headquarters in New York—with the remaining human population listening to his words—the media giant’s most recent President fought back tears as he delivered his announcement of the network’s final days. The swirling dust, noxious fumes, and parched NYC backdrop made the tears come quite easily. “Oops,” he said. “As it turns out—kinda funny if you think about it—global warming—actually a serious issue. Our bad. Sorry for misleading you.”

While some industry experts continue to argue the need for a conservative voice of the people, many now admit that since fewer than a hundred humans remain alive, they can probably work it out for themselves.