Archive for January, 2010

The Civil Contract

January 30th, 2010 mhduncan

A wrench being thrown into a set of gears.Pretty much from the start we are all trained how to behave in society. We learn that we can’t take things that belong to others, among other “moral” concepts. Obviously, the people who fare best ignore that principle when it’s of benefit to them.

Why don’t homeless people break windows and take what they want or need? Most of us would kill an animal if we were hungry or cold, why not a person who has far too much? Again, there are many who do very well by effectively killing those with far too little—but they’re not the question—they’ve found their way.

A few French dared to protest German occupation by breaking the windows of collaborators and throwing a metaphorical wrench into the Nazi machine when they could do so without being caught. America’s own patriots used similar methods to get done what they determined needed to get done.

It would seem hard for any government to ignore 30, 20, or even 10 percent of its citizens if they were so dissatisfied that they started smashing things when no one was looking. Particularly since a resolution would be of interest to business. But that’s not how we do things in a civilized society—we grin and bare it.

 

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Government and Religion Can’t Be Mixed

January 14th, 2010 mhduncan

Red shield with white cross

There always seems to be some drive to argue that America is or isn’t a nation of religious faith: it isn’t. America is a nation of choice when it comes to God, and there’s good reason to be happy about that.

Many nations have an official religion, which means they have no religion at all, because their citizens aren’t operating out of faith but out of force. If people are coerced into worship, either by a government, a social group, or a parent, then there is no act of faith. If, say, the fundamental basis of Christianity is that a person must come on their own to Christ, it is impossible to ever do this when one is partially there because of outside pressure.

So the next time someone suggests that America is truly a Christian nation because the majority of people who believe in God also claim to accept portions of Christ’s teaching, inform them that we are a Christian nation only because so many people here do not really live within any religion at all. If everyone was a “real” Christian it would be instinct, or a mandate, but it wouldn’t be faith.

 

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Layt nyhte taulkshoh whores

January 13th, 2010 mhduncan

People dying under the beams of a television tower.

Risk of Deadly Transmissions

I’m decidedly uncommited about who should be hosting which late-night time slot. Perhaps I just miss Johnny, perhaps I like to do other things once my wife’s in bed and I’ve gotten half of the house to myself, or perhaps I just don’t find anything appealing about any of these jokers (term used for insult and not praise of their professional skills).

I like Jimmy Kimmel. I laugh out loud at some of Craig Ferguson’s stuff from time to time. But the big names mentioned mostly in the press are seldom funny and always horrible in interviewing styles.

All of them had their day of course. Letterman had his morning show, and the first year on late night NBC. Leno had solid stand-up routines that he’d polished over a number of years playing the casinos. Conan had the year 2000. But now they’re all as relevant as SNL.

The strangest part is that this reveals just how clueless big bosses are. Someone high up at NBC actually decided, “What the heck, let’s experiment with moving things around—see what happens.” I mean, someone who is paid a ridiculously large amount of money didn’t have a hint on how to test whether or not putting Jay Leno and Conan O’Brian back to back doing the same thing they’ve been doing for over fifteen years would be interesting to an audience. Nothing new—just the same show, only earlier and with a new set.

Hmm. Weakens the impact of banker bonuses doesn’t it?

 

Posted in Mass Entertainment
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Healthcare Debate

January 7th, 2010 mhduncan

Hospital Sign: White H on Blue BackgroundThere is no serious debate when it comes to healthcare; America is doomed to failure. The problem is that we are a large nation with many people too stupid to understand the benefits of universal coverage, so national coverage will be impossible to get off the ground in any meaningful way.

What we need is a multi-level system: federal, state and local, with the local being the most reflective of what the people in that community want. For example, let’s assume San Francisco wants a full-coverage plan, California wants an assistance plan, and the federal government wants a sort of voucher plan. As a resident of SF I pay a higher tax but get full coverage, the city claims what it can from the state and fed on my behalf to reduce the tax.

A debate involves thoughtfully researched arguements presented to propose the correctness of either one side of the arguement or the other. There are just some issues which can’t be seriously debated because the only people participating in the “debate” are the ones who already have their opinions/values set. I don’t care how well-defined your pro-choice arguements are, you will not change the mind of a person arguing against abortion. Of course the reverse is true as well.

California will never agree 100% with any other state on the best healthcare plan. But it’s not just California—New Jersey and Pennsylvania won’t even agree, and they’re basically the same people. So why try to force a watered-down medocre plan on everyone? We need to create a sensible framework that allows every government down the chain to customize it for their own citizens. That way, if you don’t like the San Francisco plan you just move to Concord where the plan suits you better.

 

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Refusing Submission to Cooked Broccoli

January 6th, 2010 mhduncan

Large person patting smaller person/child on the head.

Yield to Domination

They cooked the broccoli. She only liked raw broccoli; they knew this, but they cooked the broccoli anyway. They were the only things—except a small streak of catsup—remaining on the plate: two dark-green, wilty, pieces of broccoli. Megan pushed her plate to the center of the table.

Dad pushed it back. Mom had given up long ago; she was in the living room reading. It was a two-person battle now.

“Uh uh.” She said. This time, pushing the plate all the way to the other side.

“Guess again,” Dad said. He pushed the plate back.

Megan saw that the broccoli was bigger; it was growing on her plate! She pushed it away; it came back—bigger still. This happened with each volley, until the two pieces of broccoli were practically falling off the edge of the dish.

“It’s too much,” Megan argued.

“It’s two bites,” Dad lied.

“But I’m full.”

His face turned red. “You ate everything else.”

“Well, everything else tasted good.” She scowled, and pushed the dish back.

It returned as a mountain. There was no way she could eat it all now.

She was trapped inside a forest of broccoli. Running among the huge stalks, she searched desperately for a way to escape. But there was only one way. She needed to stop it from growing and smothering her in green.

She grabbed a piece, so big she could hardly hold it in her hand, and started to scarf. She felt like she was going to throw up, but she finished it.

Her throat was dry and rough. She rinsed it with the last of her chocolate milk, and then begged Dad for more.

“After,” he said, gripping the carton tightly in his hand.

She’d fallen into a pit of choking, dry dust, and her father was shoveling more dirt over her. Megan held her hands to her throat, pleading for just a few ounces to be added to her empty glass.

“After,” he repeated.

She quickly forced the remaining tree into her mouth, breaking it down with rapid bites. It felt like eating a dirty sock, and probably tasted worse, but she finished chewing the last of it. Then, holding the empty glass high, she waited for him to keep his end of the bargain.

But instead of filling it, Dad begrudgingly poured the brown liquid barely a third of the way up.
She drank the soothing chocolate cream.

Both warriors, exhausted, collapsed on the floor.

Dad felt proud. He’d retained the helm of control.

Today it was his victory; she admitted her defeat. But they were both getting older; Megan knew that this worked to her advantage. Eventually, she would take control; broccoli would never be cooked again.

 

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Final Days of Humans

January 6th, 2010 mhduncan

International symbol for dead-end street

Dateline: January 18, 2018ish

FOX News, the network associated with protecting the rights of ignorance, announced today that it would cease broadcasting “news” at the end of this week. A one-time gold mine for an independent foreign interest, FOX, in recent years, had been reduced to pandering for the gold, and then simply to pitching for pennies. The realities of global warming have had an ironic effect on [its] conservative arguments against the reality of global warming. Conservative voices have been forced to dry up because of the need to conserve saliva on the scorched planet earth. People these days, unable to feel their own tongues, have experienced a greatly reduced interest in the exercise of mock debate.

Standing in front of FOX World Headquarters in New York—with the remaining human population listening to his words—the media giant’s most recent President fought back tears as he delivered his announcement of the network’s final days. The swirling dust, noxious fumes, and parched NYC backdrop made the tears come quite easily. “Oops,” he said. “As it turns out—kinda funny if you think about it—global warming—actually a serious issue. Our bad. Sorry for misleading you.”

While some industry experts continue to argue the need for a conservative voice of the people, many now admit that since fewer than a hundred humans remain alive, they can probably work it out for themselves.

 

Posted in Future News
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Dear Human,

January 5th, 2010 mhduncan

A cockroach holds a rope around the neck of the earth.

From the Cockroach Point of View

We cockroaches just want to praise you humans for the environmental options you’ve created, to cheer you on your way out (and warn you off doing the sort of things that might prolong your species on earth).

We (speaking for all/most arthropods) haven’t figured out why you’re killing off your species (along with many vertebrates) but why look a gift mammal in the mouth? We’ll assume with brains as massive and advanced as yours, you have a good enough reason. [Ed.: I hope that last bit doesn't read as obvious pandering or gratuitous flattery.]

So, as you appear quite tired of life on Earth, please use our contributions to help in any way we can. Or, ignore it all as you have been. Either option provides an equal path to our succession!

 

Posted in Cockroach Corner
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Landfill vs. Litter

January 5th, 2010 mhduncan

Sign showing how to throw trash into a trashcan

How to use a trashcan.

Definitions from the Dictionary of Dichotomy:

Landfill: A place where humans store waste from their current homes to build space for their future ones.

Litter: A scattering of mammal garbage but also refers to a smattering of mammal newborns.

 

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The Undetected Terrorist

January 5th, 2010 mhduncan

The US experiences around 44,000 deaths a year from them. Add in injuries, property damage, police and medical costs and you begin to see just how big the problem is. So why is it then that piss-poor drivers are still allowed on the road?

Most people consider themselves to be good drivers; they are wrong. Most people are bad drivers either some of the time or all of the time. In fact, lots of drivers consider driving laws only in terms of tickets—not safety. Failing to signal an adequate distance before turning or changing lanes, stopping halfway into a crosswalk, speeding between stoplights are examples of behavior that is barely even considered to be an issue for many. This makes them not only bad drivers, but a special kind of idiot as well.

Can this really be considered terrorism? Don’t be stupid, of course not: terrorists do what they do because they are trying to make a statement, and they know that people will panic if there’s a .000001% chance of them being harmed or killed by a random act of violence. If cars were considered terrorist tools the streets would be empty, because the chance of being killed by a car in the US is .014%, which is considerably a greater risk than all terrorist attacks in the world.

Are we going to get rid of cars? Probably not until we get a little lower on fuel. But I can’t see anything wrong with tightening up the licensing procedure a little, giving people who eat or use their cell phones while driving a few days in jail, and anyone who doesn’t know how to safely change lanes should just be put away for life. We’re all at less risk from armed robbers than we are bad drivers; maybe we need to start using the prisons to a better end.

 

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I’m sorry, this toilet is restricted..

January 4th, 2010 mhduncan

Jewish:Allowed, Different Races:Accepted, Gay:Okay, Disabilities:Restricted (Sorry).

We proudly serve most people.*

Ah! For the days when a business could deny access of service on any one of a dozen or more preferences of race, gender, reproduction, or religion. Now, the only people who can be legitimately left on the other side of the door are the ones who aren’t even noticeable unless you happen to have one in your family. (Well, they’re noticeable, but it’s not polite to stare if they can see you doing it.)

There’s no arguement that updating a bathroom with disabled access is an expense. In the same way that repairing broken waterlines, replacing outdated equipment, and coping with supply costs eat into the profit. In the case of the last three, the expenses can’t be avoided; they’re necessary costs of doing business. But as long as normal customers remain focused on their needs and keep the registers ringing, there’s little necessity or incentive to cut any further into the bottom-line by widening toilets.

Maybe it’s too late to go back to the days when a business could hang their “Whites Only” shingle out, or politely tell Mr. Spielberg that there were no rooms “for him” in the hotel. We’re probably even past the days when you had to tick either the “married” or “single” box on an employment application. (Although if you’re past 25, people are not going to ever stop wondering why you don’t have kids.) But until more than just people with disabilities start to favor businesses that offer service and access open to all, there’s no need to start welcoming the lame into places they’re not wanted.

It’s harsh; still, the blind, the people in wheelchairs, the people with missing arms, the short, the disfigured and the rest of the disabled need to begin to realize that it’s tough world we live in.

 

Posted in Disabilities
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